Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
