I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
