i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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