do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
