When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
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I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
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You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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