My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
