I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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