i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
third nipple confirmed
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
