so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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