i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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