Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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