I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
