Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
