You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
