Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
