We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
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I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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