Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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