You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize