Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
