guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
