sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If that was your dad, he is hot
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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