Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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