I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
my poor anus
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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