I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
