I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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