I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
