I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
