worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
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just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
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So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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