we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
