We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
