if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
