My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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