i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We are two peas in an std pod
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
