that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
