I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
