It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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