chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
