The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
