some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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