Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
