my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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