apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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