My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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