she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
