we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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