remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
