Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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