wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
