She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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