We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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