i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
