I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
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im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
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You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
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