i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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