How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
