I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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