Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
