I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
